'Twas the night before
Christmas
and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies
that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were
stored
in the freezer with
care
In hopes that my thighs
would forget they were
there.
While Mama in her
girdle
and I in chinstraps
Had just settled down
to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry
there arose such a
clatter
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the
matter.
Away to the kitchen
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox
then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look
of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a
binge
to my body below.
When what to my
wandering
eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa
with eight chocolate
reindeer!
That huge chunk of
candy
so luscious and slick
I knew in a second
that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa,
those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly
but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman,
on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout
from sugar detox.
From the top of the
scales
to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds
now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane
Bryant
from my head to
nightdress
My clothes were all
bulging
from too much excess.
My droll little mouth
and my round little
belly,
They shook when I
laughed
like a bowl full of
jelly.
I spoke not a word
but went straight to my
work
Ate all of the candy
then turned with a
jerk.
And laying a finger
beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward
the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed,
to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed
I'll get thin by and
by.
And I mumbled again
as I turned for the
night
In the morning I'll
starve ...
'til I take that first
bite!
