I wasn't instantly transformed when I accepted Jesus
When I was 12 my mom got a terrible disease that was virtually unheard of, we knew my grandfather had died from the same disease so we concluded that it was hereditary. I watched her go from this wonderfully fun loving and caring mother to a vegetable in the course of one year.
Up until then all I had known of God was my step-grandfather who was a Episcopalian minister and an alcoholic who often made fun of my weight. Never the less, I prayed for God to take the disease away and bring my mother back to me. I ended up being sent to Alaska to live with my father, still praying for God to make it all better. It wasn't His plan , it was mine, I see that now but then I; didn't.
My mother ended up dying when I was 16 and we ended up in foster care eventually. We did finally get placed in a wonderful home with people who loved us and took care of us however there was always something missing.
I was overweight and insecure. I turned to drugs and unhealthy relationships (which ended up in producing my beautiful teenage daughter). I encountered problems with the law and many experiences in mental health facilities due to suicide attempts. I lost custody of my 20 month old daughter and hit rock bottom still feeling like the world was out to get me. (IT WAS!) My daughter's father agreed to let me have custody of my daughter if I promised to move to ALASKA, as far away from him as I could. Looking back, I see that was part of God's plan but then it seemed like being sentenced to Hell.
It was there that I met my husband but more importantly that he introduced me to God. I was so in love with Rick (actually it was infatuation/obsession) . Rick was not in love with me, but he was in love with God and wanted to share Him with me. I used that and manipulated Rick to marry me. If I told you how I did this you wouldn't believe me, suffice it to say it was unthinkable and I will always be ashamed of what I did. It was only then that I saw this man who was married to such an unlovable woman and even though he didn't love her he loved God and obeyed His Word and stayed married to her ... it was then that I saw God.
I began to realize that there was a God and I learned to trust that He did love even the most unlovable people. I kept waiting for "the ax to fall" and for God to punish me for my lies and manipulation. He never did. The day that I accepted Him into my heart He forgave me, even though I didn't have a great relationship with Him, He still forgave me. I still dot know why, I surely didn't deserve it.
I still battled lying on a daily basis and still smoked pot when it was there yet here was this God who loved me knowing I did those things. By now your probably feeling sorry for my husband for being stuck with such an unlovable character; don't shed a tear. God gave him a love for me that is so unreal! We now share 3 children, 10 years of marriage and a home in the hills of Alaska. He prayed with me for 3 years for God to soften his heart and give him a love for me and God answered that prayer. God answers all our prayers, just in His time. I wasn't instantly transformed when I accepted Jesus but I did feel and instant sense of relief to know I wasn't battling on my own anymore.
It has taken me years of cultivating a relationship with Jesus to be the person I am today. That new person is one who is a wife, mother, church secretary, a women's ministry leader, and a youth teacher, yet also a woman who still struggles with her old habits and finds herself apologizing to God on a daily basis. Praise God for His unconditional love, He is merciful and the best part is His love endures forever!
Colleen
