BACKGROUND INFO

Vicki was born in Pennsylvania in September, 1968. In her short life she had endured quite a bit of abuse; she had been raped by a male acquaintance of her mother's at age 5, then verbally, physically and sexually abused by her older brother from ages 7 to 17, and raped twice by an uncle at age 19.

As a result of the sexual abuse and violence that occurred, it led her into a path of destructive behavior and a life of utter confusion and feelings of inadequacy.

Vicki firmly believes that due to the abuse and sexual violence she endured, it resulted in her dealing with many problems and psychiatric issues.

From an early age she struggled with feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, anger and hatred toward men. As a child she was in therapy, a bed-wetter, was attracted to girls, had strong desires to be a boy and often dressed as a boy. As she entered her teens, she endured a sexual identity crisis, dealt with self-destructive behavior, developed anorexia and bulimia, was an alcoholic, dabbled in drugs, was in and out of therapy and entered the Marines.
By early adulthood she was cutting and burning her body, in Eating Disorder Units, psychiatric hospitals, dealt with suicidal tendencies, bouted with numerous suicide attempts, was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance, clinical depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP).

By age 25 she had self-injured her body by cutting and burning (1, 5" scar & 1, 4" scar from 3rd degree burns & over 250 scars from cutting). She led a homosexual lifestyle (from an early age), was briefly involved with a gang, had been involved in various relationships, had an abortion, claimed bankruptcy due to high medical bills, was on psychotherapeutic medication (17 pills daily), had battled with mental illness and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals.
 

WHEN VICKI`S LIFE CHANGED

As Vicki approached 27, she was exasperated and felt as though she was just existing and taking up space. She was at a point in her life where she was looking for her life to change. Although she thought she had tried everything possible to get better, she was still open for help. It seemed that whatever she tried that it was only good for a few hours, a day, sometimes couple days.
One Sunday in March of 1995 she was invited to church and she reluctantly went. It was her first time in over 15 years, and this was no church like she had ever seen. From the moment she stepped through the doors, she sensed something different.

When she walked into that church in Florham Park, NJ she remembers sensing such love and peace. (she thought it would be over once she left) She wasn’t quite sure what her beliefs were, mainly Agnostic, as she spent most of her life blaming God or questioning God why all this happened to her. She was at a point of her life where she was not ready to be let down again.

"All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn’t remember feeling so much peace like that before. And I knew the calm feeling was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I knew it had to be something real."

Within days she noticed that she was more peaceful and the negative desires she had were not so strong.
Vicki wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as everything else she had tried proved a failure. After going to that church she knew there was something different, but couldn't figure it out and asked God to show himself to her. She noticed that she was more peaceful, the anxiety wasn't as strong, the urges to harm herself were lighter and she was able to think clearer. Even though to an outsider that would seem so small of a change, however, for someone like her, it was a big thing just to see a change. It was at that moment that she knew for a fact that God was real!

A few weeks later she bought a Bible, "challenged" God and her life has never been the same!

What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking! With the love and mercy of God Vicki learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future. She learned that being abused was not her fault and that she doesn't have to live her future based on her past.

Vicki has completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area!

It is Vicki's hopes that you will come to the realization that you can overcome anything in your life, as nothing is hopeless!

Whatever you have gone through or may be facing right now, you can get through it just like Vicki did and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for YOU!
 

IN VICKI`S OWN WORDS

All I knew was that when I walked into that church, I felt great and didn’t remember feeling so much peace like that before. And I knew it was real. No medication made me feel this alert and alive, I knew it was real."

A few weeks later, I bought a Bible and it opened right up to the book of Mark, and I began reading in chapter 5. As I read, I saw that a guy who had cut himself day and night and looked like he had some sort of mental condition; he was healed by Jesus. I became very agitated with God and threw the Bible to the floor. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t well; if he had healed this guy so long ago.

I began to yell at God: “!@#* you God, if you are real, then why the hell can’t you help me? Why can’t you do for me what you did years ago for that guy? I’m tired so tired of this !@#*, and tired of living this way. Don’t you understand that I’m tired of crying all night long, cutting and drinking because I cannot cope? Life isn’t supposed to be this way! I don’t want mental illness. Please help me already.”

I do realize now that swearing to God may not have been the best thing, but at that time I wasn’t accustomed to talking with Him and tried my best to be nice. After saying this, I pleaded with God, I truly petitioned him for his help.

I had never been interested in God, as I never heard much about him, nor did I see many people that He helped.(this was my perseption)

However, I figured my last resort was this God who I wasn’t even so sure about. I put all my doubts aside and immediately I began to talk to God, actually I challenged him that I wanted answers and that I would give him 3 weeks to “prove himself” to me. Even though I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, I thought it would be a good idea if I at least put my efforts into it. I wanted my life to change and was looking for a difference.

I figured that I had done everything possible that I guess I could at least give God a chance. It seemed as if nothing else had worked, but I have never thought of including God because I mainly blamed God, part of me thought that what happened to me was His fault. Additionally, part of me wasn’t convinced that he even existed. I wasn’t sure what I believed in, not even certain about God.

I wanted so much to be normal but had no clue how to do it, as everything else I had tried proved a failure (this is an understatement). After going to that church I just knew there was something different, but I couldn't figure out what it could be and asked God to show himself to me. I did notice that almost immediately I was more peaceful, the anxiety wasn't as strong, the urges to harm myself were lighter and I was able to think clearer. Even though to an outsider that would seem so small of a change, however, for me, it was a big thing just to see a change. It was at that moment that I knew for a fact that God was real!

What happened over the next 1 1/2 years was absolutely breathtaking! With the love and mercy of God I learned to cope with the past and look forward to the future; there is hope and there is a better way of life. I learned that I don’t have to live my future based on my past. I am not sure why all that happened to me did, but I do know that what was meant for bad is now being turned around for good.

It is my hopes that you will come to the realization that you can overcome anything in your life, as nothing is hopeless! Everyone has the ability to overcome hardships and you can conquer what you may be going through right now.

I hope that through reading this you will find that someone does understand you and that you can get through a hard time in your life…just keep on pushing forward, go and tell others that YOU CAN DO IT!

I am no longer ashamed of myself or ashamed of what happened to me by others or what I did. I no longer have hatred or unforgiveness toward anyone.

I have completely healed, recovered and overcome in every area! One of the many reasons that I am sharing the intimate details of my life is to bring awareness and insight of the after affects of what can occur after any kind of sexual, physical, mental abuse (habitual or one-time).

I would like to bring insight on the possible traumas that occur after abuse, as for years I was in and out of therapy just trying to cope with the after affects.

I have stacks of medical reports and files recording various diagnosis’s that I was given, along with shocking doctor’s statements. I spent many years in various types of therapy, on medication, in and out of psychiatric units, that it can only be God that I am where I am now!"

Most of what I got involved in after being abused was a result of something from my past that I needed to deal with. For example, Anorexia or burning my body was not the problem – it was an outward manifestation of an inward problem. It was the result of something from the past that needed to be dealt with.

I did not know what I had ahead of me, all I could think about was what was behind me as I lived a life of the past. I could not think about the future because that scared me too much that the constant torment that I was in would never end.

I internalized my feelings and thought it would just go away with time. In actuality it only worsened, because instead of talking about it and dealing with it at one time, I lived in constant torment, reliving the situations on a daily basis. I don’t want to see anyone fall into the type of behavior, as it will only bring confusion and hurt you in the long run. Each time I would try to deal with an issue and come to realize that I had a problem, all I did was run from it. I had so much going on in my head that I didn’t know what to deal with first, it was overwhelming.

I used to ask myself: “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did God put me here?” “Is the pain ever going to end?”

You may have asked yourself the same thing.

What I can tell you is that it was not meant for you to go through any heartache, God has a plan and purpose for everyone, and yes, the pain will go away…permanently!

It is my hopes that as you are at this site you find the support to continue on with your life, get the help you need and to encourage you and strengthen you to overcome something in your life, as nothing is hopeless! Everyone has the ability to overcome the hardships that you went through and you can conquer what you may be going through right now.

If you are struggling with anything that I have discussed, know that although it seems impossible that anything can change or get better, it will.

At times facing recovery may seem challenging, but most definitely worth every effort. It may seem difficult at times for you, but know that you are not alone; keep fighting; don't give up, not for a second, keep fighting to win the race!

You can get through a hard time in your life…just keep on pushing forward, go and tell others that YOU CAN DO IT! The circumstances will begin to change, and remember, you will have what you say.

Whatever you have gone through or may be facing right now, you can get through it just like I did and lead a normal healthy life as God intended for YOU!

Try and open your eyes and heart toward God, He will touch you, He will change you; He is just a prayer away!

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